Friday, April 29, 2011

Does this look like a uterus?

People say this hat looks like a uterus and fallopian tubes:

Pictured: front and side views of Princess Beatrice of York wearing a vertical pink hat shaped like . . . a uterus?

It kind of looks like a spider to me.

But this one is definitely a vagina:

Pictured: Tara Palmer-Tomkinson in a blue dress and hat unquestionably shaped like a vagina.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Hardworking Gratuitous Uterus enjoys well-deserved pampering

Pictured: G.U. in day spa with two tables. One with fruit, cheese, and bottled water, the other with tissues and nail polish.

My, I'll bet you uteri lead interesting lives. I said to my girl friend just the other day, 'Gee, I'll bet uteri are interesting.' I said. The places you must go and the things you must see -- my stars! I bet you meet lots of interesting people too. I'm always interested in meeting interesting people. Now let's dip our patties in the water!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Gratuitous Uterus Inc. How may I direct your call?

Pictured: G.U. sitting at a cubicle desk in front of computer keyboard and mouse, wearing a headset.
This is obviously a staged photo. Gratuitous Uterus is really the CEO.

Have you incorporated your uterus yet?

Pictured: Certification of the uterus of Uté Russ as Gratuitous Uterus Inc.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Where did you think the Easter Bunny got his eggs?

Pictured: G.U (with ovaries attached to her fallopian tubes) sits on a table next to a purple stuffed bunny holding an egg that says "Happy Easter." Background has a basket of candy; foreground has pink plastic grass with six died Easter eggs resting on it.

Why the frell is the Easter Bunny male?

The rabbit is supposed to be a symbol of fertility. But it doesn’t pass out sperm (unless I’m familiar with the wrong theology); it gives eggs. And this new movie Hop features a male EB. Since I would rather run myself over with my car than see it, I’ll have to rely on you people. Would the movie have sucked more with a female EB?

Edited to add: I'm pretty sure the character is not supposed to be a transgendered male. 

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Gratuitous Uterus does not have a bun in the oven.

Pictured: G.U. on a table holding a tray full of fresh cookies.
That's okay. Zie prefers cookies anyway.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Gratuitous Uterus bowls for choice.

Pictured: G.U. stands at the end of a bowling lane next to a pink ball which looks rather surprised to have its picture taken.

Actually, we were able neither to find or start a local bowl-a-thon, so we just went bowling for fun, then donated to the Women’s Medical fund via Michelle Kinsey Bruns’ page. Please help out if you’re able!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Gratuitous Uterus shows up for her pap smear.

Pictured: G.U. sitting on the counter at the Walgreens pharmacy next to a sign that reads "Please Proceed to the Pickup Window."
It turns out Walgreens doesn’t even do pap smears. How weird is that?

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Gratuitous Uterus knows Spring is a time of rebirth.

Pictured: G.U. sitting in a tree full of pink blossoms.
For plants. In his case, it is a time of no birth.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Susannah Lindberg Randolph gets in on the action.

Pictured: Susannah Lindberg Randolph's torso, holding a pink uterus plushie.

Appropriate, considering she made the original comment that started so many of us celebrating our uteri. Her husband was the one who repeated it to the House, joking that if she incorporated her uterus, the Republicans might cease trying to regulate it. Here, she's participating in a rally to protest anti-abortion bills and declare April 12th "Birth Control Matters Day." I totally heart this lady.

Courtesy Capital News Service.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Gratuitous Uterus plans to mate.

Pictured: G.U. seated at a chess board, mid-game, reaching for a piece.

Does that count as a pun? Just checking.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Gratuitous Uterus Is Eating for One.

Pictured: G.U. seated at a table with a plate of Thai food and a margarita before her.

And enjoying a margarita. For one.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

They see Gratuitous Uterus rollin'. They hatin'.

Pictured: G.U driving a white car with a skull and a tree hanging from the mirror.

And that is one foxy four-door sedan.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

How to Make Your Very Own Uterus

Pictured: crocheted uterus with adorable smiley face.

There are a variety of knit and crochet patterns available for free on the web:


Happy Uterus
Uterus Menstrual Cup Cozy
Ursula Uterus

Or you can make mine!* This is the first pattern I've ever written. I tested it myself, which is no guarantee that it's 100% mistake free, so if you see any problems or corrections that need to be made, please let me know.

Gratuitous Uterus Pattern

Lion Brand Nature’s Choice Organic Cotton, Strawberry (3oz/85g, 103 yd/94 m) or other chunky yarn
Size K/10 ½ /6.50mm needle
Stitch marker
Tapestry needle
Fiber fill (or stuffing of your choice)
Wire (for arms)--I used heavy floral wire
Eyes (doll eyes, buttons, beads, or black yarn will work)
Black yarn for mouth (and eyes, if desired)

Stitches (st) used in this pattern:
Chain (ch)
Slip stitch
Single crochet (sc)
Half double crochet (hdc)
Double crochet (dc)
Single crochet decrease (single crocheting two stitches together): sc2tog

Uterus is worked in amigurumi style, a continuous spiral, without joining the ends of rows. Use place marker to mark last stitch of round. 

Leaving a tail about 2 feet long, chain 12. Do not join with slip stitch. Tail length is important and will be used later.

Row 1: Join in circle by single crocheting in first chain. Be careful not to twist. Sc around (12)
Rows 2-3: sc in each stitch around. (12)
Row 4: *sc twice in next stitch, one sc in following stitch* repeat all the way around. (18)
Row 5: sc in each stitch around (18)
Row 6: *sc in next 2 st, 2sc in following st* around (24)
Row 7: sc in each stitch around (24)
Row 8: *sc in next 3 st, 2sc in following st* around. (30)
Row 9: sc in each stitch around (30)
Row 10: *sc in next 4 st, 2sc in following st* around (36)
Row 11: sc in each stitch around (36)
Row 12: *sc in next 5 st, 2sc in following st* around (42)
Row 13: *sc2tog first st, sc in following 5 st* around (36)
Row 14: sc in next st, sc2tog next st, *sc in following 4 st, then sc2tog* 5 times, sc in last 3 st   (30)
Row 15: sc in first 2 st, sc2tog, *sc in next 3 st, sc2tog* 5 times, sc in last st (24)
You may find it easier to add your filling now and crochet around it. Or you can stuff it in the bottom after finishing the body.
Row 16: *sc2tog, sc in next 2 st* around (18)
Row 17: *sc in next st, sc2tog* around (12)
Row 18: sc2tog around (6)
Row 19; sc2tog around (3)
Fasten off

Fill uterus with fiber fill (or choice of filling) to desired shape and density.

Using the beginning tail, close the bottom by pressing the two sides together and joining them with single crochets. (6) Fasten off.

Arms: worked amigurumi style; make two.
Ch 3
Row 1: Join in circle by single crocheting in first chain. Be careful not to twist. 2 sc in first ch, sc in following chains (4)
Row 2: 2 sc in first st, sc in following st (5)
Row 3: 2 sc in first st, sc in following st (6)
Rows 4-8: sc in each st around (6)
Row 9: hdc in first 3 st, sc in following st (6)
Row 10: dc in first 3 st, sc in following st (6)
Row 11: sc in first st, dc in next 3 st, sc in last 2 st (6)
Row 12: sc in first st, hdc in next 3 st, sc in last 2 st (6)
Row 13: sc in first 2 st, hdc in next 3 st, sc in last st (6)
Row 14: sc2tog three times (3)

Fronds: *sl st in next st, ch 6* around 6 times, sl st in final st. Fasten off.
Insert wire into arm.
Sew arms to body.
Sew on eyes and mouth as desired.

*This pattern is under copyright. You may use it to create items for personal use. You may sell any items you create using it, provided you link back to it. You may not sell the pattern itself.

What is this? I don't even . . .

This blog was inspired by a thread at Alas! A Blog, which was, in turn, inspired by the big kerfuffle over the House declaring “uterus” to be a dirty word. The uterus pictured at Alas! (and has since been removed) is available on etsy, but I decided to make my own.

The idea for this blog didn’t need a uterus for gestation, as it sprang fully formed into my brain like an inverse Athena. Taking pictures of an adorable uterus was too fun to pass up. And thanks to the powers of crochet, Gratuitous Uterus was born.

The Gratuitous Uterus is also a symbol. Not of womanhood, because not everyone who has a uterus is a woman, and not every woman has a uterus. But the forced-birth movement likes to take personhood status away from individuals with uteri and think of them solely as the uterus (baby carrier). If the person becomes a uterus, then the uterus must become a person!